Parallel Universe

Do you ever feel like you’re living a life that isn’t your own? You wake up and go about your day completing the tasks of your daily life. Whether you’re heading to work or school, or perhaps taking your kids to school… something just feels wrong. When I’m driving to wherever my destination is for that day, I find myself wondering if this truly is my life. I’ve asked myself this question a lot since my dad passed away and my mom was incarcerated. For the first few years I would wake up in the morning and have a few seconds of peace before the realization of what my reality is would set in. It has gotten easier as the years have gone by to accept the fact that I did not get to have my parents while growing up. Anyone who lives (or lived) with someone other than a parent will understand when I say no matter how amazing the person is who took on raising you, life still isn’t the same. My grandparents are such amazing people. When they were supposed to be starting retirement, they took on caring for an eight and twelve year old. They gave us (and still do) everything we needed and love us unconditionally. But at the end of the day my heart still yearns for the comfort of my mom or dad. It’s been six years and I still often wonder if this truly is my life. I often feel like I’m trapped in quicksand and I can’t get to where I’m supposed to be going. Am I supposed to be going to college and working full time? Or am I supposed to be using my days to make a difference in the lives of others in another country? I struggle with stretching my comfort zone and doing things that are out of my normal routine. What I’m doing with my life is comfortable. Becoming a math teacher is comfortable. But what if I’m supposed to go to Africa and be a math teacher there? Now that’s not comfortable. God calls us to do things out of our comfort zone in order to fully live His purpose for our lives. Before you were born God knew exactly what your life would look like. He chose you to live the life you’ve been given. No one else is living a life like yours, and you are the only one who can use it to change the lives of others. My friends, if you feel as if you’re living in a parallel universe, and you feel as if your life is not your own, make it your own and pray that God will show you what you’re supposed to be doing. Because if you feel as if something is wrong, then odds are something is.

Yours Truly,

Haley

3 thoughts on “Parallel Universe

  1. Haley, I am a 40+ year old woman who still struggles with wishing I had a stable family, too. The kind we should have. I’m on my fourth father (one bio-dad, three step-dads), my bio-dad had nothing to do with me, I hardly have any contact with my siblings, and my mom and I were never really close. It’s ok to wish that we could have had the family life that God intended for us. It’s normal to ache for it. I’m just sorry that you have to go through what you’re going through. God never intended that kind of life for us.

    If I may, I want to caution you on one thing as you try to figure out what you should be doing in life. Don’t let “should” or “supposed to” direct your thinking, as in “I should be doing this or that” or “Am I supposed to do this or that”. The only thing we really need to do is to live each day and God brings it, and He will guide us as we go. I used to get so hung up on “should” and “supposed to,” on trying to figure out God’s Will for my life. And that ended up paralyzing me, fearing that I would always pick the wrong thing. I felt like I had to work hard to figure out His Will, and I was always afraid I would miss out on it. As if it was up to me to find it and make it happen.

    But as I got older, I realize that His Will for our lives is really just that we live each day for His glory, in humble obedience, faithfully doing the little, daily jobs that He gives us to the best of our ability. And as we do this, with a heart that is sensitive to His leading, He will make our paths straight and open the doors He wants us to walk through. We make more heartache and confusion for ourselves when we focus too much on “what am I supposed to do” instead of just on living in obedience and bringing God glory today. He’ll gently guide you and straighten out the path and make His Will clear in time. So don’t put pressure on yourself to figure things out now or to find His Will. As long as you are walking with Him daily, you’ll always be in His Will.

    And sometimes, He does call us to do the thing that is “comfortable” for us. We are not always called to pick the hardest or most challenging thing. What I mean is that He gives us certain characteristics and temperaments and traits. And ideally, He will give us a role that fits comfortably with those, where we can use those talents and gifts to the best of our ability. Even if it means it’s in a simple, unflashy, unglamorous role. I am just a mom. And for me, that’s the most desirable place to be, simply taking care of my family, being the best mom I can be. It’s comfortable for me, as in “I fit in this role.” If I tried to push myself to take on a more challenging role or a bigger role, it wouldn’t be right for me (at this time). Sometimes when we think that God always intends for us to leave our comfort zone, we think it means that we have to go out and find different jobs to do, harder or bigger jobs to do, or things that push the limits of our personalities and temperaments. But really, God just calls us to do whatever job we have with all of our hearts, for His glory, even if we are just moms or teachers or whatever.

    Don’t worry about finding something bigger or harder to do or about trying to do things you weren’t made for. Just be you. And be okay with whatever role He brings you. No matter how big or small. He knows where you need to be and which job will fit with who you are. And He will open the doors at the right times and in the right seasons of our lives.

    I hope this doesn’t come across as “scolding” or anything. I can just hear in you some of the same things I used to think and struggle with. And I’m hoping that I can use my struggles to help make yours a little smoother. I know how hard it can be to think through all these things. (If you are curious, I wrote a series on Understanding God’s Will on my blog https://myimpressionisticlife.blogspot.com. If it’s not on that one, it’s at https://sweetlybrokengirl.blogspot.com. Actually, I think it’s on both, but I can’t check to make sure while I am typing on this comment page.) Blessings to you! Thank you for your beautiful, honest words. You have an amazing heart and spirit.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. I appreciate every single word of wisdom you shared. I will reflect back on this when I need to remember to not worry about figuring out God’s will, but to let Him show me. Thank you again, and I will most definitely read that series on your blog!

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  2. Oops, in the second paragraph it’s supposed to say “the only thing we really need to do is live each day as God brings it,” not “and God brings it.” I hate typos.

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